Hmm.. Some thoughts after watching mo jie..

Actually after watching so many damas hor, i really start to wonder will i every find someone i like.. i really think i am too conceited to fall in love with anyone..

I have serious difficulties with regard to commitment.. I dun think i can ever commit to anything in my life.. i told farah that i will definitely divorce if i get married.. she told me maybe i haven't found the right guy, but i really doubt tt anyone in this world can ever make me commit, not even God..

i dun wanna tie myself down to anything.. maybe is becos i am young and reckless but i really dun see myself settling down..

Actually i tried to settle down before.. when i first when to church, i really feels tired of adventure and wanted to settle down.. but then as time passes, i begin to be tired of it.. i started to look forward to adventure, but yet i am tied down by numerous responsibilities in the church.. I struggled very hard between my passion + impulse and the responsibilities + commitment.. In the end, i deicided to get on with my life to persue wadever i wanna become, to be reckless, to not regret it even if it will cost my life or even afterlife..

well, i nv actually told anyone the whole story on why i quit church.. i only told some frens abt how i got pressurized by ppl in church and that i dun feel any real frenship after the only 4 who treated me as fren left.. also the fact that i strongly refuse to accept the concept of "hell" as it is such a cruel and depressing idea.. but wad's said above in the previous para is the other side of the story.. the part where i am in the wrong, the part that i refused to admit even to myself.. i dun wan myself to be so --- immature, but sometimes i juz wan to be..

When i made the decision to leave the church, or maybe like wad the church ppl will say, to fall into hands of satan, i made the decision knowing that i may fall into the fire of hell.. and i dun mind to, becos i juz want to follow my own ideals.. you can say that i am a fool, or scold me "stupid" like my church ppl did when i told them my decision, but i juz want to be conceited, to be full of my own ideals until the very end...

So i am like Hitler now, i believe in myself..

i wan to live in my own fairyland, where everyone arnd me is happy, alive or dead, i am not a bootlicker, but i really love to please ppl arnd me as i love to see ppl arnd me being happy..
maybe it is becos i am so conceited, that when i see ppl are happy becos of my efforts, i feel happy too..

MY fav phrase of all time, as many of u know is "where ever u go, go with all your heart" ... Whenever i realised that not all my heart is willing to stay at one place,

i'll leave, and that's me..