Forever alone

One day a friend made me realised my insecurities abt losing a close friend, such that out of jealousy, I behave childishly to hurt my friend.

It's hard to come to terms that some friends who I see as bff, who i thought will nv leave my side will eventually grow closer with someone else, will eventually thought of that someone before me, will eventually love happily ever after with that someone and then I am still forever alone.

But it doesn't means that I meant less to that person. Or my bff treasure me lesser. Perhaps all along I am getting 90%, but the special someone gets 98%, so I feel like a 60%.

Don't let my insecurities hurt my friendship, I learnt and realised. It's hard to control though but perhaps it's another stage of growing up. I realised that eventually I am alone to face this world. I have to be brave. And i want to live happily even by myself. 

It's hard to be at peace with myself. I am quite reliant on friends and I even cried once when I was left to wait for someone for 1-2hours. Because I am afraid to be alone. And that is when I realised my weakness. 

I am afraid of loneliness. 

So I tried to overcome it. To have lunch by myself, to always have alone time for myself, to train to be alone, to train to be independent. Then i realised the reason behind my fears.

I am afraid of loneliness because I am not confident of myself.

So now, it's back. I need to have confidence in myself. I need to believe that I will be happy even if I am alone.

Recently, there was a period of time when i was thinking, oh man I am so old, I need to faster get a man to get married. Just a decent person will do. But after that I realised, I would rather be alone than to be with someone who I cannot agree with, who I cannot look up to. So then I thought, that is my std. A wiser man. Then recently a fren got married hastily and I rmb I always wanted to have a lightning marriage. One that when we are touring in U.S. we decided to drive to Vegas to register. To cosplay in wedding shots. I want to have someone adventurous or at least up to my game. So another standard. 

In conclusion, Wise but crazy. 

I think I will be forever alone. Haha